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Q: What’s better than eating for two while pregnant?
A: Shopping for two
Q: What’s the oddest stage of pregnancy?
A: When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are quite enough.
Q: What does a pregnant woman say after she apologizes for her random emotional outbursts?
A: Up yours and I hate you.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What hurts even more then childbirth?
A: Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus” 20,000 times a day.
Q: How is being pregnant is like being a child again?
A: There’s always someone telling you what to do.
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows whats good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor?
A: Only if the word “alimony” means anything to him.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Because you’re fatter than they are.
Q: How is a pregnant woman like a toddler?
A: She outgrows her clothes every week!
Q: How does being pregnant make you feel?
A: Like a superhero... Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What do you do when your daughter’s pregnant and says she hasn’t slept with a man?
A: Start a religion.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: What do you give a new mom so she's ready for anything?
A: A diaper bag of tricks.
Q: What part of biology class are pregnant women afraid of?
A: The sea section
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out your girlfriend is pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Q: What makes watching a Quentin Tarantino movie look like a Disney flick?
A: Seeing that video in childbirth class one more time.
Q: What would be different if men got pregnant?
A: Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What should a pregnant woman say when they hear a constant barrage of “You are SO BIG!” from people?
A: "Thanks! So are you!"
Q: How many days are there in a month?
A: Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 742.
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