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Physics Jokes

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Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.

Q: Why is a physics book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events?
A: The Wave

Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom

Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Q: How does a German physicist drink beer?
A: With ein Stein

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state

Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Mobius strip club

Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?
A: You can't - a rock climber is a scalar!

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the universe.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything

Q: What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
A: The moon

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

Q: What does a subatomic duck say?
A: Quark.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side!

Q: Why wasn't Heisenberg a good lover?
A: Because whenever he had the time, he didn't have the energy.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One hell of a big apartment!

Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.

Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

Q: When was Heisenberg born?
A: Oh, that's very uncertain.

Q: What did one photon say to the other?
A: I'm tired of your interference.

Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A: C over lambda.

Q: What did the Higgs Boson say when it was prevented from entering the church?
A: "How can you have mass without me?"

Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?
A: Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself properly.

Q: Why did Heisenberg hate driving?
A: Because every time he looked at the speedometer, he'd get lost.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be...

I'm not lazy, I'm overflowing with potential energy.

Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree one fine day, trying to figure out how gravity works. And then it hit him.

My physics professor said I had potential. Then he pushed me off a building.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Home is where your displacement is zero.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar...

Gravity is such a downer.

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

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