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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.
I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.
I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now...
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
Behind every girl’s selfie are approximately 43 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows.
If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do.
Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too!
Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows!
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed... does that make me an iWitness?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
You spend the first 2 years of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken.
Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once.
If Apple were to ever make a car... would it have Windows?
Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness"
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them.
I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, "Three Hundred Million Dollars."
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.
If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.
Say "I won a math debate" really fast.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That's why girls wear make up and guys lie!
I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times... I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... and that person drinks a lot.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I got 99 problems... but I'm going to take a nap and ignore them all.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres.
Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich.
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go... others cause happiness whenever they go.
Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way.
A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately it isn't of soap.
I accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up."
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not.
Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes.
I hate change, but I also hate change. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I'm not sure how I'll feel.
My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.
When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.
I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.
If God sneezes, what should you say?
Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it's warmth.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a bitch.
Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp... He's probably thick and tired of it.
A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. It doesn't count.
Did you ever hear about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
"The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity."
If it's the thought that counts, think money.
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now!
What's a library? Is that like a big kindle?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display.
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?
Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Life is like Toilet paper... you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and they'll stop laughing.
Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
"Do Not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."
-W. H. Auden
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."
"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."
- Emma Goldman
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late."
- Benjamin Franklin
"Children are smarter than us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."
"The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about"
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
-Laurence J. Peter
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
"I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want–an adorable pancreas?"
"I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
"Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now."
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