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Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy!
Q: Why did Billy throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
A: They say he made a mint.
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time!
Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match!
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish!
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed!
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere!
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them!
Q: Want to hear a joke about paper?
A: Nevermind, it's tearable.
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged.
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant
Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
Q: What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
Q: What did one snowman say to the other one?
A: Do you smell carrots?
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
A: He got 12 months.
Q: Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
A: The Stock Market
Q: What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
A: Nobody nose.
Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An Instagram
Q: What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: Catch up!
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt!
Q: What's Forrest Gump's password?
Q: What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A: A satisfactory.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro on it?
A: It's a total rip-off!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: What do call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it's choking on a piece of its owner's jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurt-y.
Q: Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
A: They were cooked in Greece.
Q: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
A: Because he was a little horse!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Q: What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam!
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!
Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can't break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: The don’t meet the koalafications.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
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