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Chuck Norris Jokes and Facts

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Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called Claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it's just afraid to move.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.

The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang doesn't return because it's too afraid to come back.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris once made a Happy Meal cry.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 12 hours.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life on it.

Anatomy and Physiology is now the study of how and why our bodies are ultimately inferior to Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris microwaves his food by putting it in his pants for a minute.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattle snake died.

Chuck Norris can run you over with a parked car.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he made lemonade, a 9 inch hunting knife, an AK-47, and a playpen for his pet scorpion.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman's life.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris once robbed a gun store with a knife.

It took Chuck Norris half a lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Chuck Norris can divide by roundhouse kick.

When the very first cell phones came out, Chuck Norris already had an iPhone 17.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay ten dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The Statue of Liberty is alive, but Chuck Norris told her not to move.

NASA beams episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger to outer space as a warning for Aliens of what will happen if they invade Earth.

Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks are the 2nd leading cause of death world wide after heart attacks, most of which were caused by fear of a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can drift on a horse.

When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Noris works out 25 hours a day.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Kevlar is the synthetic version of Chuck Norris' moustache.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter

Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. Chuck Norris came first.

Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just called The Islands.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take crap from anybody

Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris never laughed in the face of death... he finds nothing amusing about his own reflection.

Chuck Norris can cook Minute Rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris has already written history books for the year 3000.

Chuck Norris can make pancakes on a waffle iron.

Chuck Norris is so hot, he breathes fire to cool off.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs and bacteria. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris makes fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.

While other children were playing in sand, Chuck was playing in concrete.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris can cut down a tree using Axe body spray.

Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling match with both hands tied behind his back.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris started walking at the age of 3 months, no one dared to carry him.

Why hasn't a video game been made about Chuck Norris? Simple: nobody controls Chuck Norris.

Obama said, "Yes we can." Chuck Norris says, "I already did.".

Chuck Norris invented Chuck Norris jokes, but he never submitted any because Chuck Norris submits to no one.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

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