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Q: Why did the noble gas cry?
A: Because all his friends Argon
Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
A: He's 0K now
Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions
Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
A: OH SNaP!
Q: Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
A: They bonded well from the minute they met
Q: Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
A: He just couldn't put it down
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed
Q: What do you call Iron blowing in the wind?
Q: What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A: A CaNiNe
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution
Q: What is a chemist's favorite kind of tree?
A: A chemistree
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium hydride?
Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion
Q: Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
A: Because it's basic material
Q: According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?
A: Because it's made up of alkynes of people
Q: Why did Chlorine's sisters Boron and Carbon lock her in the closet?
A: Because she was too attractive
Q: Why did the acid go to the gym?
A: To become a buffer solution!
Q: What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A: A KNiFe
Q: What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium?
Q: What's wrong with a joke involving Cobalt, Radon, and Ytterium?
A: its CoRnY
Q: What do you get if you swap the carbon atoms in a benzene ring for iron atoms?
A: You get a ferrous wheel
Q: What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium?
Q: Why can you never trust atoms?
A: They make up everything!
Q: What did one ion say to the other?
A: I've got my ion you.
Q: Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?
A: To reduce his carbon footprint.
Q: What did you do with Element 43 last night?
A: None of your Bismuth
Q: What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?
Q: What do you call a clown who's in jail?
A: A silicon
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
Q: What did Argon do when Copper insulted him?
A: Argon had no reaction.
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state
Q: How many moles are in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avocado's number
Q: Why did the white furry bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar
Q: Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?
A: If you can't Helium and you can't Curium, you'll probably have to Barium.
Q: How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate?
A: They use a Sulfone
Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
Q: How did the blonde define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number!
Q: What happens to nitrogen when there's sunlight?
A: It becomes daytrogen
Q: What is the TV show that cesium and iodine love watching together?
Q: How did Oxygen's second date with Potassium go?
A: It went OK2!
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, and swimming, amongst other things
Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: "Let's meet at the endpoint."
Q: What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?
A: Polar Bond.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
Q: Why did the white furry bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar
Q: What do you call a periodic table with gold missing?
A: "Au revoir"
Q: How did carbon propose to Hydrogen?
A: With a "carbonkneel"
Q: How can you spot a chemist in the restroom?
A: They wash their hands before they go.
Q: What is it called when Queen farts?
A: A noble gas
Q: What did the student say when she heard that Oxygen and Magnesium went out on a date?
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
Q: What do dipoles say in passing?
A: "Have you got a moment?"
Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from?
A: Separation anxiety
Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
A: Breaking up is hard to do.
Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
Q: What did the Cowboy Chemist tell his horse?
A: HIO Ag!
Q: What did the chemist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.
Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Buckminsterfullerene, Helicase, and ATP?
Q: You made lithium React with Argon?
Q: What do you get if you have Avogadro’s number of donkeys?
A: Molasses (a mole of asses)
Q: Why did the employer force his employees to walk between high-voltage plates before entering the work place?
A: Because he didn’t want any unionized workers.
Q: How do you make a 24-molar solution?
A: Put your artificial teeth in water.
Q: Why does formic acid neutralize all other acids?
A: Because it’s ant-acid
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated spirits.
Q: What do you get when you combine samarium, argon, tellurium, asenic, and sulfur?
A: SmArTe AsS
Q: What two elements do sheep yell out when happy?
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity
Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
A: Because it's pretty basic stuff
Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
Q: How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
A: None. that’s what organic chemists are for!
Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said "NaBrO"
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Johnnie was a chemist. Johnnie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
Distilled waters run the deepest.
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
I found some DiAminoMaleoNitrile in the park yesterday. DAMN it was hard to find.
When a police officer pulls you over, just do what Heisenberg does. When they ask, tell them you don’t know how fast you were going, just where you were.
I hated learning about electrons. I got so Bohr’d
Chemistry Cat doesn’t have 9 lives. No, he’s radioactive. He has 18 half-lives.
Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023
A mole of moles would collapse under its own weight and become a black mole.
Cole’s law: thinly sliced cabbage.
I initially decided to write jokes about the Periodic Table, but never really felt I was in my element.
Did you know that you can lower your body temperature to -273 °C and be perfectly 0K?
Organic chemists talking about d-orbitals is cultural appropriation at its worst.
Love is in the Air? Wrong. Nitrogen, Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide are in the air.
Remember to appreciate the little things in life. Like protons.
If the formula for water is H20, is the formula for an ice cube, H20 squared?
Silver walks up to gold in a bar and says "Au, get outta here!"
Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent
If Adam and Eve were chemists, they would’ve found angelic acid in the garden of Eden.
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man were to team up, they'd be alloys.
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