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Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
Q: Why couldn't the pony sing himself a lullaby?
A: He was a little hoarse
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time
Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red Paint
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look, I'm about to change!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired!
Q: What is the least spoken language in the world?
A: Sign language
Q: How can you tell who is a fan of car racing?
A: He thinks the last words to the star spangled banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines!’
Q: What kind of animal do you not want to play games with?
A: A cheetah
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play!
Q: What is a cheerleader’s favorite drink?
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why is the sky so unhappy?
A: It has the blues
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator
Q: What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
A: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was out-standing in his field.
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each 's'
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: Why couldn't dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
A: Oh Snap!
Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I'll go on a head
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin' robins.
Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A. One! After that it’s not empty!
Q. Did you hear they're changing the flooring in daycare centers?
A. They're calling it infant-tile!
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What do you call a man that irons clothes?
A: Iron Man
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
A: Because it's a little meteor
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it's choking on a piece of its owner's jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Q: What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A: A Cat-astrophe
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad.
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid!
Q: What do they call cans in Mexico?
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old
A: The Old Volks home!
Q: Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks.
Q: What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A: A Bagel
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!
Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can't break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: They take the school buzz, of course!
Q: What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A: A milk shake!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: The don’t meet the koalafications.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
Q: Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?
A: Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: Garbage truck!
Q: What do you say when you lose a wii game?
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
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