Quick, Funny Jokes!

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Funny Twitter and Instagram Bios

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I sit behind a desk all day and look at screens. Sometimes it’s actually fun.

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I was born. When I was 11 I got my first computer. Then I started writing funny tweets. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Insert pretentious crap about myself here.

I’m a Texan with lots of opinions and pretty hair.

I’m so much cooler online. Aren’t we all?

I have no money, no resources, no hope. I am the happiest man alive.

I used to love my old twitter account, then everyone from work found me. This is my new account.

I could never be described in 150 characters.

I'm allergic to stupid people.

This bio is probably outdated, much like my wardrobe. Really, nothing to see here...

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Nice guys finish lunch.

I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.

Determined dreamer. Writer. Have ambitions to be crazy cat lady if marrying various celebrity crushes proves impossible.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment.

Pudding tastes better with a plastic spoon

Don’t think for a second that I actually care what you have to say.

Absolutely awkward, proud nerd & geek, decreaser of world suck.

When I tweet, I tweet to kill.

I have friends in spite of myself.

Winner of World’s Best Wife Award Category: Nagging

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

HOLY CRAP I’M GOING TO BE A DAD! Oh yea, I work in email marketing & I like craft beer too.

You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also put peanut butter in your butthole, if you feel like it.

I love myself so much.

Another paper cut survivor.

Bald. Unreliable. Easily distracte

Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.

I’m going to reveal the two secrets of my success: One; Don’t reveal everything.

I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it

If you’re reading this, then I’m already too late. Humanity has reached its final days. Please spend all that time tweeting.

I used to act. I also belly dance and eat Jolly Ranchers – not always at the same time though.

Avid arguer. Chocoholic. Super nerd. Great lacker of empathy.

A human. Being and communicating with and about other beings and things.

I’m me, you knucklehead.

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