Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state
Q: Why is a physics book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events?
A: The Wave
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Mobius strip club
Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?
A: You can't - a rock climber is a scalar!
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the universe.
Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything
Q: What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
A: The moon
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side!
Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!
Q: How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One hell of a big apartment!
Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.
Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!
Q: When was Heisenberg born?
A: Oh, that's very uncertain.
Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A: C over lambda.
Q: What did the Higgs Boson say when it was prevented from entering the church?
A: "How can you have mass without me?"
Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?
A: Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself properly.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be...
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Home is where your displacement is zero.
A hundred kilopascals go into a bar...
Two neutrinos go through a bar...
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
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