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Jokes About Men

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Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask directions

Q: Why did God create man first?
A: Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species

Q: How can you tell if a man is lying?
A: You can see his lips moving

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy

Q: Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
A: Because they've forgotten what happened.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe

Q: How does a man show that he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one

Q: How did the man add some spice to his marriage?
A: He left home

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Q: What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?
A: Nothing, they both think they know everything

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: When single women come home they go to see what's in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, sees what's in bed then goes to the fridge.

Q: Why are all jokes about women one-liners?
A: So men can understand them

Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name

Q: What does it mean when a man is laying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?
A: She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough

Q: How many men does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: One... He just holds the bulb up and waits for the room to revolve around him

Q: Why do women really need men about the house?
A: Because they still haven't invented a vibrator that can do the dishes, cut the lawn, paint the house

Q: What's the most common sleeping position of a man?
A: Around

Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed - they're no longer thick and insensitive

Q: Why are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: Why are men like lawn mowers?
A: They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: There isn't enough time

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it

Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they are pigs

Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A: A closed mouth and an open wallet

Q: How do males exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do so much better

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop and ask for directions

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A: A tourist

Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient!

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