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Q: What does marriage do?
A: It puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Q: How do you transfer funds even faster than electronic banking?
A: By getting Married!
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
Q: What is the ideal marriage?
A: A marriage between a deaf man and a blind woman
Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q: What kind of institution is Marriage?
A: One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Q: What does a boyfriend and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: Whats the definition of a happy marriage?
A: One where the husband gives and the wife takes.
Q: Why do only 10 percent of ex-boyfriends make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Q: How hard is it to lose a wife?
A: Nowadays it's almost impossible!
Q: Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom
A: In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Q: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
A: To get to the other bride.
Q: If love is 'grand', what is divorce?
A: A hundred grand, or more.
Q: Which one of your children will never grow up and move away?
A: Your husband!
Q: Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?
A: Because love means nothing to them
Q: What's a boyfriends idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: When another man steals your wife, what's your best revenge?
A: Let the sorry bastard keep her!
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds
Q: What kind of process is Marriage?
A: A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred
Q: Why is marriage is like a violin?
A: After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Q: Who is the perfect husband?
A: One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!
Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot
Q: How is marriage different than most wars?
A: it's the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What's the difference between marriage and death?
A: Dead people are free
Q: Why are boyfriends like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are always taken!
Q: What kind of sport is Marriage?
A: One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
Q: Why do men need mistresses?
A: To break the monogamy
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a husband watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Q: Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl?
A: One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father!
Q: What do a good employee and a boyfriend have in common?
A: They're always coming early.
Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them a lot of time.
Q: Why does your boyfriend have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once!
Q: Why do brides cry at weddings?
A: Because they never marry the best man!
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job
Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son... everywhere!
Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new.
According to the statistics, the most frequently sent SMS message from men is: "I love you too."
Marriage is a great institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' His friend replies, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus - Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffer-ring.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!
A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly, try-weekly, and try-weakly.
Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out.
Boyfriends are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
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