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Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
A: Finding out it was traced.

Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack

Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!

Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A: Two Test-tickles

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit

Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File

Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog's finger

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand

Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.

Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!

Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A: Tug-of-whore.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A: Getting off once isn't enough

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.

Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: There are twenty of them.

Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Q: What’s the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.

Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A: The man.

Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent!

Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber

Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife died

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet

Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them

Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopuss

Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin

Q: What do you call two fat people talking?
A: A heavy discussion

Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A: A little get together.

Q: What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
A: You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.

Q: What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged

Q: How do you get Dick from Richard? How do you get Bill from William? how do you get bob from robert?
A: You ask him nicely.

Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney.

Q: What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum

Q: Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
A: Because Ken came in another box

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip!

Q: What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A: One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

Q: What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window

Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees

Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out

Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter

Q: What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow him around.

Q: What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A: Just trying to fit in

Q: What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

Q: Who's the biggest hoe in history?
A: Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted Moyle?
A: He got the sack

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcism?
A: A rip-off

Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: Why is being in the military like a BJ?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your junk is hanging out.

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Q: What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
A: Pimples don't come on a boy's face until they're 13.

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A: One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus.

Q: What do priests and McDonalds have in common?
A: They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns

Q: What do you call crystal clear urine?
A: 1080pee

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.

Q: What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was the wall.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: Whats the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Phelps can finish a race.

Q: Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
A: Because he wanted to find a tight seal

Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to sleep with?
A: When you pull her pants down her butt is still in them

Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A: Piccassole

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin?
A: Never bin laid on

Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching

Q: What three words will ruin a man's ego?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: Just another reason to moan, really.

Q: How is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner

Q: How is life like a penis?
A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What's a adult actress' favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.

Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don’t make me come in there!

Q: What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
A: Call and tell her about it.

Q: What’s another name for a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and blow it!

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: What do Asian people eat instead of chicken noodle soup?
A: Chicken Poodle soup Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.

Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.

The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt and wait.

I nicknamed my dong "Coin Flip" because it's always getting either head or tail.

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