Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed
Q: Why is there a gate around cemetaries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves
Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: Hill-arious!
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was out-standing in his field.
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each 's'
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: Why couldn't dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
A: Oh Snap!
Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I'll go on a head
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin' robins.
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
A: Because it's a little meteor
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
A: Mini-soda
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it's choking on a piece of its owner's jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Q: What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A: A Cat-astrophe
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad.
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid!
Q: What do they call cans in Mexico?
A: Mexi-cans
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old
A: The Old Volks home!
Q: Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks.
Q: What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A: A Bagel
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!
Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
A: Ears
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can't break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?
A: Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
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